thought · personal

self-reflection on dating

This is a personal and slightly melodramatic post, bye!

This Thought is a personal self-reflection. Maybe I should not publish it here…

But fuck it, it is my website. I can do what I want. And the people who think this degrades the quality of the Thoughts, well, go read Crystal Vision or something else. ;)

The Pattern

I sadly have much more experience with dating than I would like to have. And there is almost always one constant pattern.

We meet. Either IRL or on some bullshit app.
It starts great. The boys share their thoughts, their lives, their vulnerabilities. They submerge me in compliments of all kinds. This part is intense. Some go as far as marriage proposals on the first date. It’s a joke, but not really. Others see the angel in me. I am not speaking metaphorically: some guys really believe I am some kind of angel from the skies. Cute, I guess?
I am always a bit careful in that stage. I am not one to give my Heart away for an image. I want to see the person in reality. And not just once.
Some time passes and I stay constant. I keep being thoughtful, asking about their days, showing interest in their lives, etc.
At some point, the conversation changes. Suddenly, I get short answers with very long delays. They become “sick” or “busy” and cannot meet anymore.
I usually ask: “hey, what’s up? Did something happen?” Then I get a bullshit reply. The reply varies: from weak excuses about themselves, to blaming me for something that doesn’t make sense with what they said earlier. There is no thread. I do not know what I did wrong.
I realise I didn’t do anything wrong. I am tired of being led on. I break the frame. Tell them I am not interested anymore.
It gets ugly; I get blamed. I get annoyed, tell them what I think about their behaviour. They block and ghost me.
The end.

This pattern is so constant I spent a lot of time reflecting on it. The key point is step 5. Why do they suddenly change? Why do I suddenly get ignored?

Let’s Crystal Map it.

Relationships are the domain of the Five Beats of a Heart. Let’s render the pattern through the Vision:

A Name is established. I am clear about what I am looking for. If I have doubts, I will ask the other for clarification.
Here we develop Trust, Flower, River and Beast Beats. I pay close attention to each Beat.
I give Stone incrementally, and do the same for the others.
Further development of the Beats.
This is the crucial step: communication falls away. This could mean something is wrong with Name or Flower, but it seems improbable. In most situations, I don’t think they suddenly want to become friends or lose their interest in me. What is more probable is that the Trust Beat underlying Flower collapsed on their side. But why?
The ending of the pattern is mostly me showing my Beast when they waste my River with lies or blame me without self-reflection.

Blaming Games

So, with experience I now know the reason is not me — at least, not directly. I have changed strategies many times, and been very careful as to the moment leading up to that step 5.

I have also asked myself whether I make this pattern easier to enter.

Probably.

I am attentive. I remember things. I answer sincerely. I show interest. I can make someone feel seen because I am actually looking at them. That can create intensity quickly, at least to people who are used to nothing.

Here are some reasons they gave, if they bother:

I write long messages. True in some cases — usually to answer their five-minute vocal notes. That would be a Flower problem. But I don’t think it is a valid statement. My Flower is a good mirror. I answer precisely. Sometimes that asks for more words and I will write a longer message than average unprompted. But that is also just me — I write a Codex in my free time… I try to see the beauty in your flaws. You should accept mine, if occasionally writing a long message is a flaw.
I overshare. That is not true. I speak about my life and emotions. I don’t dump my traumas onto you. That would be a River problem. But I don’t think I overshare. Maybe my normal River flow is “too much”. I consciously tone down the flow because I know this. But I have my limits too, I am not going to smoothe myself away.
I am attaching myself too fast. False, it's especially grand to accuse me of this when you did a marriage proposal on the first date. Again, a River problem. Do not mistake my attentive self for romantic attachment! I am kind to strangers, to friends, and I will be kind to you.

So, to all them boys, here is my guess:

You fell in love with me or an image you made in your head. You cannot handle the emotions this brings up. My words sparkle like Flowers in your mind at night, my River floods a dry valley, and the Beast is more animal than your fantasies.
Compounding the above, you explored my art without talking to me about it. This triggers a spiritual crisis that blows everything to mythical proportions. This pushes the encounter out of the Beats into the entire Circle, probably a unique process for each individual.

Most people reveal themselves slowly while dating, if they even reveal themselves at all. I have an enormous amount of myself on the Internet. But that does not make me easier to know. It gives someone thousands of symbols from which they can construct a version of me without asking me whether that version exists.

Ordinary dating keeps the encounter mostly inside the Five Beats. But if someone starts exploring the Codex, the music, the symbols, the mythology, the whole constructed world around me, suddenly the encounter expands into the entire Circle. The projection gets much more material to feed on.

I think I am right. I think you lose Trust, because you are incapable of handling a fully Beating Heart -- it shows everywhere your Heart has not been beating for a long time. A person that sees you, listens, feels empathy, reacts with interest, and makes you cry for all the good reasons is “too much” for someone whose conception of romance is built from social media snippets.

There is a difference between fantasising about intensity and sustaining it. Dating is intense. Love is intense. Life is intense. You better start getting used to it if you don't want to be smoothed away by the Smooth City.

And even if I am not right, I am done feeling like a problem.

Happily Ever After?

Well, not for them… My Heart is strong. I have taken so many hits. My Blood is still pumping. Hehe. I will survive.

But from some I have gotten post-interaction feedback. They regret it. They apologise. They admit their mistakes. Those, I kindly thank and wish them well.

But most? Most wither away in their shadows. They keep blaming me. Make me a witch or a demon. It’s easy. But what they don’t see is how they stay trapped. Deep down, they must know the balance of things.

Those, I don’t care about.

You can go look for a flat person to always dance at your rhythm.

Help for the Future Ones

If you are reading this and want to date me, here are my tips and tricks :)

Don’t lie about important stuff. How do you know if it was important? Well, if you feel guilty, that is probably a good sign. For example, already being in an open relationship is something you should disclose immediately! This is Trust.
If you experience intense emotions, you should tell me. I am not here to hurt you or mock you. This is Trust, Flower and River.
If you don’t want to experience emotions, you should probably not date at all. This is River.
If you don’t want to talk about feelings — fine. Just tell me. Don’t shut me out without a reason after days of intense sharing. Although, I admit, not being able to articulate your feelings is not very sexy to me. This is Flower and River.
Stop assuming you are the only one feeling things. Even if I don’t do marriage proposals, I am still a human with a Heart. Self-pity is not sexy. This is River.
Stop doubting my compliments. If I say I find you attractive, that is true. Stop doubting. This is Trust and Flower.
You can trust me. I know trust is hard. But as a Timeseer, I made a pledge to the Universe to promote good things. That includes you. Just start small. This is Trust.
Admit your mistakes! Own them! Say sorry! I do it constantly! I swear, nothing bad happens. You are not an AI. We all make mistakes. How do you think I got so good? This is River.
Think hard before blaming me. I make mistakes, but I try to be good. If I make one, be kind. Try to understand why I made that mistake. I will always try to understand your mistakes. This is Beast.
Fight for me. If you act all distant and casual, you are very very unattractive. I am a romantic princess — come and get me. I would tear the skies apart for those I love. This is Beast.

Apparently my complicated instructions for dating mostly amount to:

please arrive with a functional Heart.

I cannot guarantee following these steps means we get married.

I can guarantee they will make you feel strong and more confident.

I would rather lose people than participate in a relationship built from projection, avoidance, and polite emotional starvation.

You’d live something real.